Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Life Post two-Depression and Suicide

Depression- is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can have a negative effect on a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings, world view and physical well-being.

Suicide- is the act of intentionally causing one's own death.

No one who knows me will know anything about this because i'm the happy, quiet one who looks as if she has no problems and I make my self appear like that because I don't want any one to know what I'm really like panicky, full of self hate, depressed, worry about everything and at times suicidal.

Everyone who knows me will not know that I have been bullied even the bullies won't of realized what they were doing or what it can cause being called ugly, fat, spotty, a slut, a slag, a bitch, loser, dog.. Even being told to go cry in a corner and kill myself is hurtful and I have often held in the tears all day until I finally reach home and lock myself in my room, often staring into the mirror hating myself the way I look and the way I'am. I will sit and cry for hours thinking of how easy it would be to end it all and just leave this world.. I haven't yet but I can't even promise myself that I won't do anything in the future..

I worry about the smallest thing like getting the bus and being alone in public. In a couple of days college is having a 'hippy' day for world peace and we have to dress as hippies this has terrified me because I have no idea what to wear and what everyone else is going to wear, I have made myself ill over this and have cried I'm terrified because what if no one else dresses up and I do or if everyone else does and I don't I want to fit in and not be laughed at or talked about. I don't want to stand out just to blend in.

I had promised myself that college would be a new start for me I would be more confident and not worry about anything but nothing has changed I feel worse about myself as the pressures of looking and acting a certain way are more stronger than ever. I know deep down that I shouldn't of picked hairdressing as that requires you to be confident in yourself, not be shy and talk to hundreds of strangers its too late now I have picked my future there's no going back this is my life from now on and I have to live with it..

Many people think depression is a sign of weakness.. It is NOT!! To deal with depression takes a lot of strength and courage.

Just a smile or a hello can save someones life.

Don't be a bully you never know what it might cause.

As I wrote this I have been crying and I have thought of killing myself and going somewhere better.

Report bullying to help stop it!!

There IS help out there.. talk to someone you know (family, friends), talk to a teacher, talk to your doctor ( they know how to help).

There are many website and numbers that will help:  0800 585858  0808 808 8000  020 8896 3675  01708 765200

Stay strong
You ARE all beautiful 
You ALL MEAN something
You are NOT pointless

Enjoy your day..

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Life Post one-Starting College?!?!

I started college this week and i was terrified!! I'm not the most confident person or talkative so the idea of meeting loads of new people was rather scary, luckily I had a friend who was doing the same course as me and was in the same group..

Leaving school-
I feel like I should still be at school as it feels like I only was a year 7 a year ago.. Its gone so quickly!! 
The months and weeks coming to the end of school were strange, I had done my exams and was just finishing of course work so i was only for a couple of lessons a week and that felt like nothing was really that important any more and I was starting to grow up. I left school like everyone else saying " I can't wait to leave, Its going to be great, I will never miss this place." I suppose for some people that's true they won't miss school at all, but I defiantly miss school I didn't realise that until I started college. At school everything is basically spoon fed to you at college its your job to do things and if you don't it doesn't happen or get done. Leaving the people you have seen nearly everyday for 5 years is sad because although you do say your going to keep in touch not everyone does and they move on to new people and things and soon forget about you. The teachers you got on with now have new year 7s to teach.  The fact that I will probably never step foot back into that school ever after being there for 5 years is upsetting.

College is totally different to school instead of being classes with only people your age there are different ages from 16 up. Being able to go out of the college for lunch is great it means we can buy food from any where and walk round the shops. I hardly ever see anyone from school in college although most people went there but when i see them its normally an awkward smile or hey you aright? as we pass in the corridor instead of the long chats we would of had at school. College has less rules than school which means you can do most things unlike in school. Only studying what you want to at college instead of everything that you had to in school makes college seem a lot more fun and less boring and time wasting, but it also means you forget a lot of what you have learnt at school..

Although I'am looking forward to the rest of my time at college I defiantly am missing school alot!!
To anyone else who has left school and is starting college GOOD LUCK!! 

Enjoy your day..